Here is a list of Top Ten stuff I have compiled:
Ten insignifigant incidents wich changed the universe
10.
"Arggh!" "Arr-rraggh!"
TRANSLATION: "Whatcha
doin?"
"I'm trying
to shoot this guy in the landspeeder."
"Can I watch?"
"No.
Dammnit! You made me miss my chance!"
Sandpeople try again.
Ben makes the save. (ANH)
9. Fett
thinks:"Just stay right there, Jedi-boy."
Solo
swings blindly, gives Fett a ride, Luke lives, story
continues (ROTJ)
8. "Look
out!" Tie pilot swerves in trench, hits Vader, who
tumbles
into to
space and lives to fight another day. (ANH)
7. 3P0: "If you
don't mind, I'd like to take him down to maintenance."
Stormtrooper: "Alright." Droids
escape (ANH)
6. The unbreakable weather vane supports Luke's weight. (ESB)
5. Luke tries to fix Artoo with a can opener, gets Leia's message. (ANH)
4. Solo steps on
twig. Speederbiker alerts others. Luke and Leia
chase...Leia finds Ewoks, Ewoks save rebels, rebels win all..
(ROTJ)
3. Stormtrooper #1:
"What was that?!"
Stormtrooper #2: "Ah, it's nothing. Outgassing.
Don't worry about it."
Ben
escapes, story continues (ANH)
2. POW!! Luke:
"Uncle Owen! This R2 unit has a bad motivator,
look!"
3P0
suggests Artoo, trilogy continues. (ANH)
AND THE NUMBER ONE INSIGNIFIGANT INCIDENT WHICH CHANGED THE UNIVERSE...
1.
"There goes another one!"
"Hold your fire..." C3P0 and R2-D2 escape, trilogy
continues (ANH)
Top Ten Items In a Tatooine Convenience Store
10.Yoda Pop
9.Rebel Alliance Ice Cream
Bars
8.Chewie Tobacca
7.Hoth Slushies
6.Life Sabers
5.Gummy Ewoks
4.Jolly Bantha Ranchers
3.Bobalicious Bubblegum
2.Death Starbursts
1.Jawabreakers
Top Ten Reasons Star Wars is Better Than Star Trek
10."Look Sir
Droids"
9.No Time Travellers Picking
Up Their Own Heads
8.No Alternative Universes
7.No Transporters To Save
Your Butt at The Last Minute
6.Aliens With Makeupsomewhere
besided Their Forehead
5.Starship Battles In Three
Dimensions
4.War, Not neutral zones
3.No ultra powereful aliens
with one letter names
2.No holedecks for lame plot
ideas invented by actors
1.Princess Leia in the harem
girl outfit at Jabbas
Top Ten Star Wars-ish Things To Say When Your Parents Make a Surprise Visit To Your House or dorm
10."Exciting is
hardly the word I would use"
9."Unexpected and
unfortunate this is"
8.Gesture around the room and
say to your roomates "if they don't go for this were gonna
have to get out of here pretty quick"
7.Say to them,as they come in
the door,"You've gotta lot of nerve coming back here after
what you pulled"
6."Hi son we just
stopped by to see if you would like to JOIN US for lunch"
Reply with "Ill never join you!" (distort your face)
Then throw your self down the nearest shaft
5.Ask them for money,then if
they ask why they must pay ________ (whatever the amount)...Have
a friend yell "because hes holding a thermal
detonater!"
4.If they ask why the place
is such a mess,reply with "Your eyes can deceive you dont
trust them"
3."Ive got a bad feeling
about this"
2."Lock the doors and
hope they dont have blasters"
1.If they ask how are you
doing in school,say,When I left you was but the learner now I am
the master"
Top Ten Things That You Could Call a Starwars Fan
10.NAFCA (National
Antilles Fan Club Association)
9.Imperials
8.Vaders
7.Anti-Trekki
6.Forcers
5.Solos
4.Rebels
3.Fetts
2.Spacers
1.Cool!!
Top Ten Rejected Starwars Plot Line Changes For The Special Editions
10.The stormtroopers kill
Luke at his uncles house and the movie ends
9.Luke does *not* stay on
target...but Porkins does! He blows up the Death Star,gets
Leia,and spends the remainder of the trilogy in the Rebel
cafeteria
8.R2D2 does *not* let the
Wookie win and Chewie tears R2 to Shreds
7.Obi-Wan and Vader both
settle differences the old fashioned way....shoots!Best two out
of three
6.Leia falls for *both* Luke
and Han,convincing them to leave the Rebellion in favour of the
Corellion Pleasure Cruiser named "Jabbas Paradise"
where the three spend their days engaging in unspeakable acts
using the force
5.Lukes Father turns out to
be Jabba the Hutt!!(Luke:noooooooo!Jabba:Hohoho)
4.Darth Vader turns out to be
Lukes mother-journey to the Darkside indeed!
3.Vader loses the Death Star
to Lando Calrissian in a game of Sabacc
2.The Jawas,led by R2D2,and
the Ewoks,led by Salacious Crumb,into a 100-year war known as the
"War of who gives a rats ass?"
1.Luke removes Vaders mask to
reveal that he is..Jim "the anvil"
Nighthart!!(Luke:noooo! Vader:Nyaaaaaah!)
TOP TEN THINGS REASONS ANAKIN SKYWALKER
WENT TO THE DARK SIDE
10. Generous Dark Lords of the Sith pension plan
9. Sick and tired of mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi reciting lines from
"Bridge Over the River Kwai"
8. To escape cruel taunting over dorky name
7. To impress the babes
6. Kicked in head by bantha
5. Misunderstood name, thought the "Dirk Side" was fan
club for pretty-boy actor Dirk Benedict
4. Charmed by Emporer Palpatine's seductive after-shave
3. Wanted to use the Force to prop up Chrysler stock
2. Owed money to Jabba the Hutt, could refinance debt through the
Empire
1. Wanted cool voice like James Earl Jones
TOP TEN SCENES CUT FROM ORIGINAL STAR WARS
TRILOGY
10. Controversial Chewbacca/C3PO romance
9. R2D2's breakdancing scene on Hoth
8. Seventeen-second belch issued by Admiral Ackbar during crucial
briefing before Battle of Endor
7. Entire subplot dealing with Jabba's marital problems
6. Dirty word being spray-painted on wall of Imperial shield
generator by adolescent Ewoks
5. Marlon Brando's uncredited cameo as Bail Organa
4. Rejected ending for first movie in which all main characters
die in Death Star garbage compactor
3. Glowin' Greedo
2. Six minutes of dialogue during which Mon Mothma had a booger
on her lapel
1. Product placement by Cream of Wheat
TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO ON TATOOINE
10. Bantha races
9. Racing landspeeders to the Dairy Queen and back
8. Oil baths (droids only)
7. Taunting Jawas
6. Find-the-charred-remains-of-your-foster-parents
5. Sweatin' to the Oldies...and, for that matter, to the current
hits, too
4. Checking out the wretched hives of scum and villainy in Mos
Eisley
3. Bulls-eyeing whomp-rats in your T-16
2. Fishing for Boba Fett's helmet in the Sarlacc pit
1. Pin-the-tail-on-Glowin'-Ben!
TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS NOVELS
10. Luke opens a ranch devoted to the fine art of motion picture
effects, names it after himself
9. "The Courtship of Darth Vader"
8. The adventures of Han Solo's accountant brother Seymore
7. "The Complete Wookie Dictionary"
6. "Boba Fett: The Wacky Teen Years"
5. An entire book devoted to all the options Anakin Skywalker
went through when designing scary Darth Vader costume
4. "Luke Who's Talking!!"
3. A three-volume set documenting the first official crossover
with the beloved "Willow" universe
2. "Biggs Darklighter: The Man and His Music"
1. "The Big Pop-Up Book of Rancors"
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON IS A
BIG STAR WARS FAN
10. Has requested cameo role in forthcoming Star Wars 1995
Christmas Special
9. Very upset when he discovered he could not appoint an
ambassador to Dantooine
8. Hopes to change U.S. Constitution so that the President can
dissolve the Senate and let regional governors have direct
control over their territories, letting fear keep the local
systems in line
7. Almost has the hang of that "choke people through
telekinesis" trick
6. Suggested new hairstyle to Hillary: Big buns on sides of head
5. Diverted almost 70% of Pentagon budget into secret project to
build him a sail barge
4. Embarrasses daughter in front of friends by standing on White
House balcony, extending gloved hand, and yelling
"Chelsea....I am your father!"
3. Lip-synched last three addresses to Congress while James Earl
Jones crouched behind podium and read speech
2. More and more frequently, he refers to partisan attacks as
"Jedi mind tricks"
1. Has had words "Air" and "One" removed from
presidential airplane
TOP TEN MOMENTS SENATOR PALPATINE
WISHES HE'D BEEN THERE FOR
10. Snatching up Luke's lightsaber in the Wampa cave
9. Flipping the Tractor Beam back on after Obi-Wan left
8. Shoving Vader right off the Cloud City gantry after Luke
7. Tying Luke's laces together before he leaped out over the
Sarlaac
6. Stepping on Luke's fingers while he hung from the Cloud City
weather vane
5. Unhooking Luke and Leia's rope in the Death Star core shaft
4. Cranking up the speed on the Trash compactor
3. Driving the AT-AT that almost stepped on Luke
2. Showing Wicket what a REAL electric shock feels like
1. "And now, Baby Ewok...You will die!"
TOP TEN CHANGES THAT NEW F/X TECHNOLOGY WILL
ALLOW LUCAS TO MAKE FOR "STAR WARS" RERELEASE
10) Missing Jabba scene now a song & dance number.
9) Young Luke Skywalker gets to meet President Kennedy.
8) Dewbacks so real-looking they steal the film.
7) Luke will finally yell "Leia" instead of
"Carrie" when hopping out of X-wing.
6) Darth Vader suit will now have nipples.
5) C-3P0 now fully functional and programmed in many methods of
pleasuring.
4) Lucas now able to add that line where Obi-Wan tells Darth that
Vader perceives the force like a spoon tastes food.
3) Can improve destruction of Alderaan scene without blowing up
another planet.
2) Puppeteers now able to give Luke more realistic facial
expressions.
1) Obi-Wan Kenobi: A founder!
TOP TEN ACTION FIGURES LEAST LIKELY TO BE
A PART OF NEW KENNER TOY LINE
10) Jabba's Fat Dancing Chick
9) Bespin Luke with Removable Hand
8) Baby Anakin Solo
7) Guy Who Bullies Luke at the Cantina
6) Han Solo in Borg Suit
5) Bobba Fett with Removable Helmet
4) Trash Compactor Monster
3) Lumpy
2) John Dykstra
1) Bacta-Tank Luke
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN STAR WARS: EPISODE ONE
10) Luke and Leia actually a result of Mrs. Skywalker's secret
torrid affair with Uncle Owen.
9) Young Senator Palpatine first elected on a lower taxes
platform.
8) Special repeat appearance by Jefferson Starship.
7) Darth Vader really did kill Anakin Skywalker; just lied to
Luke to gain his sympathy.
6) Anakin's wife to be played by Genevieve Bujold.
5) Aunt Beru actually a hero of the Clone Wars.
4) Mon Mothma used to bulls-eye wamprats in her T-7
3) One word: Pakleds
2) Boba Fett actually Luke's third cousin.
1) Before being horribly scarred, Anakin Skywalker really looked
like James Earl Jones, too.
TOP TEN WAYS MICHAEL JACKSON WOULD BE
COOLER IF HE LIVED IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE
10) Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is
fashionably acceptable
9) Would not have needed huge effects budget for "Captain
EO"
8) In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father
of Billie Jean's son
7) Could really walk on moons
6) After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the
Sith
5) Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with
anti-violence message of "Beat It"
4) Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never
had
3) Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more
realistic
2) Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
1) Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke
look manly
TOP TEN HOBBIES OF DARTH VADER
10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls
9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their
eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"
8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits
7) Genealogy
6) Using the force to learn to juggle
5) Mortal Kombat 5436
4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship
3) Late nights with a pain droid
2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma
1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich
after him yet
Back to the Humor Page